rexe

First day at Wawa tommorow. Fun.

I went to Hightstown High School's graduation. For those who do not know, I went to middle school with most of these people. Then I went to Notre Dame. I still haven't decided whether it was smart to go or not. It was nice but it also reminded me about how much I hated high school (to use past tense or not...).
Which should not matter now that it is over and done with.


I hate to read how people do things in these huge groups and not invite me. Hell yeah, it is jealousy. With everyone from HHS it doesn't matter. My relationships with almost all my friends from there are gone. (in reality only one still exists) So I don't expect to go out and do alot of things with them. Back in 9th and 10th grade, it hurt. We have more or less parted amicably. So it's okay.

I should state that all feelings are basically in regard to the kids from ND on Xanga.

This really should not matter. I know that. I'm most likely moving July 19th. I'm packing all my belongs, NOW. Though not by choice. My brother is going to my college because Loyola does not have housing for him. After my father moves out, I don't know when if ever I'll see him again. I was able to reconcile with my father and now I'm losing my father again. It hurts.

I don't speak to my father's side of my family. We lost contact. Sure they sent money for holidays, etc. Then they stopped. But they never wrote a letter. I don't know what to call my grandparents. I call my mom's parents, Nana and granddad. I don't have names for my dad's parents. I don't know how I cold start a letter to them.

I'm jealous of people's friendships. I'm jealous the people's parents. Parents that sill love each other.

When I was little I was surrounded by bad relationships. My friends shoplifted. I used to shoplift. Certain friends played the 'I don't want to be your friend anymore' game. Which hurt even more because I was the new girl. I was never able to build soild relationships. My parents marriage has been in shambles since I was in second grade. I used to hide in the fucking shed when they fought. The fucking shed. In Jersey it became the bathroom. I used to make myself sick. Now whenever they fight I get sick. The stomache goes, then what ever I ate earlier goes... you get the picture.

I'm afraid that in any relationship I get into, I am going to be either too clingy or too distant.

It seems that almost every time I trust someone they turn around it break me. Of course this is most likely all in my mind and like some fucked up, now a cliche, fight club dual personality/persepctive.

So, if you actually read this whole thing, I'm sorry. I've basically been saying the same things over and over again. If this whole relationship thing is still screwing me over by the time I get to college, I'll try and get help. I just need to get through the summer. Sorry again but I had to get it out because if I don't it just keeps hurting.



Out of the darkness, into the light
Leaving the scene of the crime
Either I'm wrong or I'm perfectly right every time
Sometimes I lie awake, night after night
Coming apart at the seams
Eager to please, ready to fight
Why do I go to extremes?