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rexe at 04:28pm on 14/10/2003
rexe at 04:28pm on 14/10/2003Some of you might want to coast through this entry. It's your choice but I;m coming to terms with things about myself and who I want or do not want to be. Again you might want to skip this.
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I found myself in school with three uncompleted portfolio pieces (Or rather lack there of), a history chapter unread, a religion test I had not studied for, and glasses through which I feel like I'm falling off the Earth. At night I find myself staying up late with the computer screen being the only light in the room. Trying to find someone who is out there. I have found myself using obsessions as the proxy for things I don't have. During the day my stomache only adds to my labours. I live vicariously through my comics and other people's journals. I'm searching for my niché in this world.
Why am I so unsatisfied?
I am a jealous person. It is my tragic fault. I'm jealous of everyone who always surpasses me in all areas of study. I'm jealous of everyone who can play their instrument. I'm jealous of everyone who knows more about a subject that I have devoted myself to and precedes to throw it back in my face. I'm jealous of everyone who has a best friend. I'm jealous of everyone who can sing. I'm jealous of everyone who can draw. I'm jealous of everyone who has that special niché. I'm a very jealous person as you can see.
Do you have to be diagnosed with depression in order to be depressed? I find myself crying all the time. My mother already has to deal with me being sick, my brother being diagnosed as depressed, and my sister who is nine already wallowing in pre-teenage angst. She will get too wound up with doctor's bills. Her anxiety will wind up getting passed to me and the circle keeps going.
I can't be depressed. As my mother would say it's just another thing to add to her list. I will not tell her about my glasses. I will no tell her I'm depressed. I will not tell her how sick I feel ever day. I will not tell her about how my grades are dropping. I have to keep silent. I'm just biding my time. It will all go away, right? Someone please tell me all this pain and frustration will gp away. Someone tell me it's going to be alright. My problems aren't as bad as most peoples so I can ignore them and focus on those people, right? I just need reassurance. I just want a panacea for these problems.
I need a hug.
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I found myself in school with three uncompleted portfolio pieces (Or rather lack there of), a history chapter unread, a religion test I had not studied for, and glasses through which I feel like I'm falling off the Earth. At night I find myself staying up late with the computer screen being the only light in the room. Trying to find someone who is out there. I have found myself using obsessions as the proxy for things I don't have. During the day my stomache only adds to my labours. I live vicariously through my comics and other people's journals. I'm searching for my niché in this world.
Why am I so unsatisfied?
I am a jealous person. It is my tragic fault. I'm jealous of everyone who always surpasses me in all areas of study. I'm jealous of everyone who can play their instrument. I'm jealous of everyone who knows more about a subject that I have devoted myself to and precedes to throw it back in my face. I'm jealous of everyone who has a best friend. I'm jealous of everyone who can sing. I'm jealous of everyone who can draw. I'm jealous of everyone who has that special niché. I'm a very jealous person as you can see.
Do you have to be diagnosed with depression in order to be depressed? I find myself crying all the time. My mother already has to deal with me being sick, my brother being diagnosed as depressed, and my sister who is nine already wallowing in pre-teenage angst. She will get too wound up with doctor's bills. Her anxiety will wind up getting passed to me and the circle keeps going.
I can't be depressed. As my mother would say it's just another thing to add to her list. I will not tell her about my glasses. I will no tell her I'm depressed. I will not tell her how sick I feel ever day. I will not tell her about how my grades are dropping. I have to keep silent. I'm just biding my time. It will all go away, right? Someone please tell me all this pain and frustration will gp away. Someone tell me it's going to be alright. My problems aren't as bad as most peoples so I can ignore them and focus on those people, right? I just need reassurance. I just want a panacea for these problems.
I need a hug.
depressed